


Look what you did to me

by Baryshnikov



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Stream of Consciousness, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:39:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15544788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baryshnikov/pseuds/Baryshnikov
Summary: Abraxas reflects how his love for Tom shaped his life





	Look what you did to me

Tom had always been an enigma, a mystery, a rumour that spread on the wind. He had everything: a perfect reputation, a sharp intellect and a pretty face. But there was something different about Tom, something that had attracted Abraxas from the very beginning, before the reputation, before the intellect, before even the pretty face. It was a darkness that ran just below his skin, a coldness in his eyes and a desire in his heart.  
He was callous, heartless, even cruel, but he did it with such class, such poise, that Abraxas couldn’t help but notice everything he did. Abraxas knew he wasn’t alone in his feelings for Tom. Everyone had a crush on him, but no one got to live out their fantasies as Tom wasn’t interested. He laughed at those that pined after him, so Abraxas kept his feelings to himself, or at least he tried to.  
But Tom was clever, and he was always watching.  
He’d cornered Abraxas in an alcove when both of them should have been in bed. He’d kissed him, it was different to every other way Abraxas had been kissed. This was hot and wet filled with intensity and expectations. Abraxas took him home that summer. Introduced him to his mother as that brilliant Slytherin everyone thought would be the next greatest star: his mother loved stars. His father was more sceptical, but Tom had such a way with words, such conviction that even non-believers would stop and listen to him preach. He indulged Tom, and in return, Tom humoured him with promises and smiles.  
Nothing happened that summer. Abraxas sensed Tom knew where his thoughts were turning, sensed Tom knew exactly was he wanted to do with him, to him. But Tom never said anything, he pretended that nothing was different, that the air between them hadn’t changed, and they were still two children looking for their place in the world.  
~  
The next summer was different. They were older. Tom had learnt things, learnt how to get his way without being violent, learnt that his mouth against Abraxas’ neck would get him whatever he wanted. Abraxas knew he should be ashamed of what he gave to Tom, should be ashamed of his weaknesses, of his filthy base desires, but he needed Tom.  
Somewhere deep in his heart, he knew that Tom didn’t really care about him, that he was only being used because of his name, because of his money, but there was something so thrilling about being used so blatantly, and it was blatant. Tom showed him attention when he wanted things. He would be less nasty than usual, less intentionally cruel. He would leave wet mouthy kisses at his neck, his hands all over him, never caring who was watching. Abraxas’ knew his father would be appalled at the things he did. The depraved, wretched things he did in the name of love, although hunger would have defined the position better. Abraxas desired, and hungered, and ached for Tom. For those dark eyes to fall on him time and time again, for those hands to wander. He wanted to be pushed against the bed, the wall, the floor and fucked until he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to lose control over and over again, he wanted Tom to overwhelm him until he was drowning.  
When Tom was with him, their bodies rocking in unison, Tom’s hand over his mouth, fingers pressing against his jaw, stopping all the obscene sounds Abraxas’ wanted to make, he felt complete. He didn’t care that Tom would leave him alone in his expensive room, didn’t care that Tom didn’t love him, because he was more to Tom than anyone else had ever been.  
~  
He didn’t complain when they were back at school, didn’t say anything when Tom did things to him when everyone else was watching. He said nothing about the rumours that went around, about Tom, about him, about how easy it was to get a Malfoy on his knees. He didn’t care what he was, didn’t care if he was going to burn, as long as Tom burnt with him.  
Tom still kissed him in the dark where nobody could see, but he also kissed him in the light; in the common room when all the others were there. Tom obliviated them after but Abraxas wasn’t sure if he liked the thrill anymore. He had responsibilities, he had a future planned out for him, and Tom wasn’t part of that design.  
The Tom he had now was different to the Tom he had first known, the darkness ran nearer the surface, a cold constant that permeated the air like a rot. Tom didn’t care what people started to think, he let reputations slip, let himself believe he was indestructible and that reality would never touch him. Perhaps he was right, Tom was a force that couldn’t be stopped by trivial things like reputations, but Abraxas could.  
Allegations spread, accusations spread, rumours spread, until even Abraxas couldn’t shut them out. He wasn’t like Tom, he wasn’t immune to reality, it hunted him. He didn’t have the confidence of an idea to sustain him, without Tom he was nothing.  
The world swirled with lies, slanders and inaccuracies. The gossip fuelled a thousand more rumours and they spun themselves into a hurricane which no amount of money could withstand. He was swept away by wave after wave of dishonour and disgrace and humiliation. He was eighteen and at the centre of a scandal, and Tom let him fall.  
~  
Abraxas tried to be bitter, tried to hate Tom, but he couldn’t hate what he loved, so he never spoke of him. He was just the shadow over his marriage, the unmentionable secret that everyone knew, the unspoken desire that ached in every room.  
He never discussed it with his wife, after all, she might have saved him from social ruin, but she couldn’t save a soul that was so contaminated with longing. She couldn’t save his soul so tainted with iniquitous desires, so stained with shame. He pretended he didn’t think of Tom in the lonely nights when he lay a dozen rooms from his wife. Pretended he didn’t think of what they could have been if the world was different if Tom was different. Pretended he didn’t think of what Tom could do to him. Didn’t think of all the things he wanted Tom to do to him, the dirty things that made his pulse race and the sweet gentle things that Tom would never do because Tom didn’t care.  
~  
When Tom came back Abraxas didn’t know what to think, only what to feel. He would give everything for one more night, and Tom knew it. He smiled in that special way and kissed Abraxas in front of anyone who cared to look, and Abraxas kissed him back.  
But in those years apart Tom had changed, he was just as charming, just as smooth and elegant but a heaviness hung about his shoulders and the air around him was thick with a crueller magic. There was no innocence left in his dark eyes, only a deception that Abraxas could see now clearer than ever.  
Abraxas wanted to run, this wasn’t the man he’d fallen in love with over a decade ago. This was a shadow, a hollow impersonation that was missing its soul. Tom’s face held no substance, no sincerity, just a need, an insatiable hunger for control. He wanted authority, supremacy, he wanted to rule the world, but Abraxas didn’t want to rule it with him anymore. When Tom touched him it felt empty. He could feel the long fingers curving to hit that spot, he could feel the desire spilling over in his stomach, the need that made his throat raw and his voice crack in the same way as ever. But he could also hear Tom’s words, nasty, spiteful words, telling Abraxas all the things he wanted, all the things Tom knew he’d give him.  
But Abraxas was trapped, and despite his wife, despite his son, despite the world he’d built for himself, a tiny part of him still loved the man beneath the layers of violence, and if Tom was to create a new world order he might as well make a decent place for his son to thrive.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the terrible ending


End file.
